i just got a mini breakdown just now. it like lasted for half hour.
the thing is, i was doing something, and this one word hit me so hard.
but im fine now. all is out already, somehow after that, i feel much better.
have to get myself closer to HIM.

mama is so sweet. i love her to bits. hugs mama. muah. =)
i love my mom, dad, and two beceng brothers.
what would ever become of me if i don't have any of them around?
ouh man, i dont wanna think about that. i will cry sey.
=/



at least i know im loved. =) and i love you too. =D

did you know that in a year, approximately 5 000 fire calls are made in singapore?
and today, one just came from my block. from my neighbour to be exact, from upstair. directed to?
my unit! my house!

as i am blogging right now, the burnt smell is still lingering.

when all of this happened, i was at my aunts' house, keeping her company as her husband is off fishing. she blanja-ed me dinner. ayam penyek, pretty nice actually.

so anyways, as i was still out there, my neighbour actually called the fire station. my eldest brother was the first to reach home, at around 10.
my brother was acutally excited when he saw a fire truck. when he saw the fire truck he thought of my second bother. how he would be excited to see a fire truck in from of my block. haha.
and when he looked up he saw a number of elbows outside our house unit, which well mean that there is a number of people right? he was like, 'eh asal banyak nyer orang pat luar rumah aku ni?'
he thought something bad happened to us. and as he exited the lift, our neighbour on the 2nd floor was like 'rumah nyer tu, rumah nyer'.

the fire fighters would have knock down our door if my elderst brother got there any later. pheew. if that were to happen, we would be sleeping without any door for a few days. =x luckily that didn't happen huh?
as he entered, he could smell the gas and burnt smell.

the fire fighters asked for my eldest brother's particulars. ouh, the particulars of the last person who left our house was also taken down. my brother gave my mom's. i guessed it must be to make a report.

one of the fire fighters who came to our rescue was actually my elder brother's friend. i mean, my brother is a fire fighter. he was like, 'eh ni baju bomba, eh ni rumah zainul eh?' as my eldest brother was calling my mom, he was calling my 2nd brother.

out of the 5 000 calls every year, majority of the fire calls are caused by unattended cooking. the food inside the pot has now turned to charcoal. have a look.

i feel guilty. especially with you around. =/
shouldn't.
wouldn't.
but whatever you know? what's done is done. no turning back.
let's just hope history won't repeat itself.

it seems that we have lost each other along the way.
i miss the times we spent.
it seems that i'm the only one that missing on something.
what's happened?
i miss you. all of you.


on a happier note, im feeling better, feeling good actually. =)



don't make me worry about you, k.

- innalillahi wa inna ilaihiraji'un -
got back from a funeral. i've been to 3 funeral in just two months.

but this time, it was someone much closer to me that passed on.
my grandfather's younger brother.
i was at the mosque when i first got the news. i didnt want to believe it. i couldn't. it happened too quickly. he was fine just few hours before. i was in total shock.
it didn't really register into my head then.
in the evening my whole family went to the house. seeing the body lying on the bed was when i realise he was indeed gone.
it hit me hard, and tears naturally flowed. flashbacks on how he loved to tease kids, like when i was still a child. he would just grab me and kiss me. haha. he does it to all children.

watching people around me cry makes me wanna cry. i could only imagine how they feel. the youngers son was suppose to baca some doa, but he couldnt continue he was weeping badly he, choking on his words, he had to pass it to my dad.

once again, im reminded this would happen to us one of these days. leaving everything else behind; your mom, your dad, your brothers and sisters, your partners, this world.


but he looked tenang. i'll be praying for him.

i hate to be the one that is keeping and holding this together.
to be the one that is always watching what i say so that your freaking heart wont get freaking hurt.
switch roles shall we?
let's see how you'll like it when someone talk to you like that.
im sure you love it right? since you constantly do it to others.



everyday, my limits are tested. i wonder how far i can go.
like i've said earlier;
patience, you amaze me. all the time.
i know now i've got something more than you. something you would never be able to appreciate.
what a pity. cos you need lots of it. =)



so if one day it seems like my face is ready to beat someone up, its likely i am. but don't worry, i won't scream at you, unless you are the person im ready to beat up or you're totally irritating me or im ready to beat you up cos you are totally irritating me or.. well, yo get what i mean. generally, i'll be nice. fret not. =)

so very used to it.
it's getting so old and tiring. seriouly.
know the meaning of numbed?
well, get acquainted with it will you?
i have.
all thanks to you, my dear.
all thanks to you.




you feeling disturbed - me feeling disturbed = you feeling disturbed.
get the picture? cos i am seriously very tired of all this. do whatever you want. i don't think i care anymore.







i've refused to believe them for all these days. maybe today is not one of those days.

i am enjoying every second of this. let's do this more often.
how much luckier can i get?
very much i would say.
=)

i'm getting myself out of this whole confusion.
it will take time, but it will happen. it's got to.
period.

my life; a soap opera.
who among you wished you were in a soap opera?
it would definitely be a lot more interesting yes?

i am definitely in one.
as interesting as it may be, by the end of the day, it serves only as a learning experience.

things that happen to you or others, you use it as a mirror. a mirror that reflects who you are, who you want to be, who you will be. i wish it didn't have to happen, and sorry for what have become. but i'm tremendously grateful. grateful that behind all the negativity that surrounds it, if you were to look close enough, it can and should be used as a lesson to everyone that is involve; directly or indirectly.



biarlah ia dijadikan sebagai iktibar.

i'm suppose to be studying. cos i know nuts about biochemistry; and there's a test tmr. ATP?? i doubt i will do good tmr. =( i hope it wont be as bad as i think it would be. nothing is getting into my head. aaah!

im having a headache. a bad one. it's like my brain is expanding or sth. i can feel it.
nvm, its only the third week. i can still catch up. the information that has been thrown to me, will be absorbed and processed my freaking brain. it will i tell you. it will.












no one is that dumb. they just choose to be ignorant.

it's amazing how things can change in a split second don't you think?
you never thought that things would turn out that way, but it does.
and you never thought something like that would happen to you. things that you believe could only happen to others, not you.


in the past, you knew so well what would happen to you, and what would not.
what is the past if not history?
nothing will return; even if you try.
we should just live with it.


the other day, i had a tremendously shocking experience. i thought my mind would explode. i didn't know what to do.
i was shocked, beyond words.
it's amazing what some people can do. gosh! you have no idea. it was as if all that was surrounding was going to engulf me whole. i'm not kidding. the information that was incessantly getting into my brain was too overwhelming.
it's still haunting me till this very day, very moment, as we speak (or read / type; whatever).



everyone has their own sets of problems.
some are just more... problematic?
than others.

been quite a while since i've updated huh?
school has been a lot of stress. =(

i hate it when people complain and nag about things.
i hate it when people become smart asses, and think they can say anything htey want.
i hate it when people think that they are always right, and think others should listen to them, ALL the time.

i hate it how pessimistic i have become.
where is the optimism i used to have?

i hate i hate i hate.
where is i love i love i love?



maybe this whole thing is just not right for me. =/
- get well soon -